And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
