I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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