don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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