$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
