dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
whose ass print is on the piano?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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