you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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