You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize