Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
