she woke up with a sticky ear
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
