you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
