Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Oh god it's open bar.
Couch. On fire.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
