i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
