Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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