You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
