mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
