So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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