Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I want her autograph on my taint
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I just want nice things and good sex
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
