If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
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Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
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And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
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