I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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