I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Randomize
