do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
