I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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