Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He better not be in your backpack
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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