Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
