you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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