I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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