the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
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Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
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I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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