Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
