theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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