Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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