tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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