allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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