Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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