It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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