oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
