I'm laying in your front yard are you home
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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