Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
