So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
