i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
