I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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