Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
