the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
