So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
