Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
