You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
