Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
There was a lot of him and a little penis
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
