Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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