Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
