I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
She has the best kind of daddy issues
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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