I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
