My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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