if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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