I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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