I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
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I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
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YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
I hate when you're right.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.