2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens