I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
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