i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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